Power of apology in a relationship

At one point or the other, couples hurt each other unwillingly. This usually happens through actions and unintended statements. At the end of the day, the sad fact is that someone is hurt. Hurt, if uncontrolled, can become a big stumbling block to a promising and or mature relationship.

• Philippians 1:10 That ye may approve things that are excellent; that ye may be sincere and without offence till the day of Christ;
• Isaiah 57:14 And shall say, Cast ye up, cast ye up, prepare the way, take up the stumbling block out of the way of my people.

In the two scriptures above, we are exhorted to remain sincere and without offence, removing any stumbling block on our way. Mat 5:29-30 says “And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. And if thy right hand offends thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.” This scripture refers to the relationship of believers with Christ which results in the inheritance of God’s kingdom. If there is anything that is a stumbling block to the smooth flow of our relationship with God, it better removed for the benefit of the relationship than keep it and lose the relationship.

This is a great analogue to the marriage relationship. As offences prop up, we need to realize it and deal with them quickly. Some months ago, my wife repeatedly hurt me on a particular area. She never realized she was hurting me and I did not communicate it to her. I developed a heavy heart until I communicated it to her. She tried to explain herself, but that got me even more hurt. I needed nothing but apology. I did not need a lot of pros and cons, the ‘why’s’ and ‘why not’s’, but a simple realization of what she had done to me, and apologize. The beauty of my situation is that I later saw her reading a book by Gary Chapman, entitled “Five languages of apology”. That touched my heart and she later came back to me to apologize. It was sweet, and our love continued to grow. Apology is powerful tool because it releases a new lease of life.

Using my case study above, as couples there is need to eliminate offences in our lives before they culminate into fully fledged hatred. In this case both the offender and the offended should take responsibility.

Responsibility of the offended

• Communicate the offence to your spouse
• Prepare yourself to hear the other side of the story
• Control your emotions. If your emotions spill over, they may result in more complex problems
• Do not look for a third party to inform them on how offended you are. This is between the two of you only.
• Be prepared to forgive in your heart even before the apology. Jesus had a forgiveness plan in place even way before you gave your life to Him. Matthew 6:14 "For if you forgive others their offences, your Heavenly Father will forgive you also

Responsibility of the offender

• Recognize the fact that you have brought grief to your spouse, whether it was intended or not
• Be humble enough “live at peace with him/her” by apologizing. Apology originates in the heart because you realize you have hurt someone. It takes love and humility to acknowledge you are wrong. Do not beat around the bush, say it straight “I am sorry for …, please forgive me”
• Ask your spouse how best you can make it up to them. The idea is always to better the relationship and live peacefully. What usually keeps us from apologizing? Pride, self-righteousness, "keeping score," the fear of giving in, the fear of looking weak, the fear of losing face. Yes, we all have these feelings, but why let self-inflicted feelings keep us from doing the right thing?
• Do not repeat the same mistake else it will appear as if you were insincere with your apology.
• Affirm your commitment to your spouse

Responsibility for both of you

• After the apology, discuss how best you can avoid hurting one another
• Take time to hold hands and pray for one another and for your relationship. Cover your relationship with the blood of Jesus, so that no seed of discord is planted in your lives. You will be surprised at the power of prayer

The power of apology

Apology does a supernatural work:

• It re-affirms the offended person that they are still dearly loved. This is important for marriage
• It releases the offender and creates a platform to do better next time. This also makes your spouse understand you better especially if it is a bad habit. S/he may help you deal with the habit.
• Positions you for success. You work better as a team. Instead of holding a grudge and fixing each other, love reigns and you build together.
• You strategically position yourself to receive from God. The bible says you need to settle down any scores before you come to the alter to make offerings, else God will reject them.

The word “sorry” needs to be the most common word in the home. The more it is used, the lesser the need for it as your relationships grow unto maturity. It is also beneficial for the kids as they grow with a culture of apology. You become a better believer by living a life of apology.

You gain nothing by not apologizing. Apologize and enjoy your relationship.

Great relationship

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